[uhhh well. the emotion is a sort of discomfort, uncertainty how to answer it.]
I think I've talked myself into feeling good about it. But when I first did it, and when I first came here, I was only afraid. And I worry a little that I have only changed in my attitude because I have been away from the source of that fear for some time.
[ he doesn't have any grandiose life advice, just his clumsy personal experience. ]
I'm not good at this stuff. But—she controlled your whole life, didn't she? Maybe it's been getting better because you're seeing what else is out there. And that it's more than just... her. I mean, I'd have trouble being all brave and hopeful if I didn't know for sure that something better was out there, waiting for me.
[ he was only an upstart for a very long time because he knew life could be sweeter than what he already had. ]
[ it is fun to be stuck with a bunch of sinners in heaven unfortunately. also help 11th hour memshare!! ruins the sweet moment with this (cw for medical torture and implied SA but you won't see anything unless you are watching literally every frame) up through 4min. i'm sorry this is a whole video and too heavy for an endgame friday but i wanted to keep with the continuations of last thread. ]
[man!!!!!!! till, your world sucks so bad. she can't exactly understand precisely what is happening in the competition, especially since the memshare presumably doesn't have the other boy's perspective in it, but she can at least see that even if it at first appeared that the other boy would try to kill him, he wound up sacrificing himself, instead.]
[ sorry i didn't write fic for a two week and everyone gets incomprehensible four minute videos out of context instead. however, that is the gist of it, yes. he looks a little pale and rattled, sweeping a hand through his hair to tug on its roots. ]
...Yeah, it's a competition. So they kill whoever the audience likes less. I guess he knew they wouldn't approve of trying to attack me, so he just set up that—that entire fucking scene. [ Ivan, you... moron. ] He's a twisted guy. Sorry.
[you would be insane if you wrote these out anyway, how often are you from a canon where your character's important moments happen in a 4 minute music video with montages. i understood it, i just didn't want her to leap too far.
anyway, she will put an arm on his shoulder because that seemed really rough to see. even if he's not sure how to feel about it, it would be awful to watch him die like that and know it was for his sake.]
Don't be sorry. That must have been really horrible. You grew up together?
[ you're so right and i'll never write a fic again. he startles a little, out of it, but will touch her hand after. ]
Y-Yeah. We were at the same school. [ the feelings here are complicated, but not wholly negative. his not-love life is a disaster. ] I still don't know what he was thinking, but... It's not like I was even trying to win at that point.
[ he had totally given up on the competition that round for other reasons. grouchily, to dodge The Feelings, ] Some people just do whatever they want and never explain anything.
[she gets it. feelings are hard. sometimes a boy just makes out with you and then kills himself in front of you to change the trajectory of your life even though you were busy being het and you just have to find a way to deal with that.]
That's true. Would it have been better if he had explained?
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[actually, the answer is you have to roll a super high persuasion check or she goes aggro and you have to kill her.]
I suppose if I'm going to abandon Lady Shar, it ought at least to be by choice.
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Yeah. Bet that pissed her off.
[ which, again, scary. also hopefully satisfying. but he loves making authority angry. ]
Do you feel good about it?
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I think I've talked myself into feeling good about it. But when I first did it, and when I first came here, I was only afraid. And I worry a little that I have only changed in my attitude because I have been away from the source of that fear for some time.
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...That's probably part of it, but...
[ he doesn't have any grandiose life advice, just his clumsy personal experience. ]
I'm not good at this stuff. But—she controlled your whole life, didn't she? Maybe it's been getting better because you're seeing what else is out there. And that it's more than just... her. I mean, I'd have trouble being all brave and hopeful if I didn't know for sure that something better was out there, waiting for me.
[ he was only an upstart for a very long time because he knew life could be sweeter than what he already had. ]
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[a bit of warmth back at him.]
I do want to hope that there's something better out there. I've seen more of what it would be like now.
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Yeah. Even this place is pretty fun, despite all the shit that's happened.
[ he likes it even if it's objectively the worst part of heaven ]
Hope it makes things easier for you, when you get back. [ and isn't just... trauma. ]
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[but it is fun, between all of the awful trauma. anyway i want a memshare too, nu, if you want (it is 11:30 pm on a friday). no content warnings.]
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...Why? He knew they'd kill him?
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...Yeah, it's a competition. So they kill whoever the audience likes less. I guess he knew they wouldn't approve of trying to attack me, so he just set up that—that entire fucking scene. [ Ivan, you... moron. ] He's a twisted guy. Sorry.
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anyway, she will put an arm on his shoulder because that seemed really rough to see. even if he's not sure how to feel about it, it would be awful to watch him die like that and know it was for his sake.]
Don't be sorry. That must have been really horrible. You grew up together?
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Y-Yeah. We were at the same school. [ the feelings here are complicated, but not wholly negative. his not-love life is a disaster. ] I still don't know what he was thinking, but... It's not like I was even trying to win at that point.
[ he had totally given up on the competition that round for other reasons. grouchily, to dodge The Feelings, ] Some people just do whatever they want and never explain anything.
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That's true. Would it have been better if he had explained?